A Life In Letters

Dear Steph,

My mother and aunt have changed their minds and are deciding to force me to finish the Nursing program. I’ve expressed my feelings about becoming a nurse, but they wont budge this time. I am to resume school in the Fall. I must also find a better, higher paying, full time job…. so that I can pay my part of the rent and have money left over for my bills and savings account. I must find the new job immediately.

Lately, I have ran into three people I knew from High school. All of them have better paying jobs, attend Universities -as opposed to my trade school- and simply lead a better life than I currently do. I know some things are out of my control, and the things that I do have control over, I haven’t really tried to change. But I can’t help from feeling inferior, whether it’s self-inflicted or not.

On another subject…. lately people keep bringing up the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend. And then they gasp in disgust when I tell them that I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend. They give me that look like there’s something deeply wrong with me, and begin to tell my how it’s “time for me to be in a relationship”. Worse, they go on to say how a relationship will help me grow as a person and mature into the young adult I am supposed to be. I want to scream out in social agony, or run off to find a corner to curl up and cry. Seriously, has the world gone mad?!

Don’t you think I know I need a better job, to find a career, to start a relationship…. to “grow up”?! I know these things, so please do not insult my intelligence, not to mention fragile ego, by insinuating that I think otherwise. Excuse me if come off a little rude, but how about minding your own business? Worry about your life, I’ll worry about mine. Yes, I know you’re only trying to give me “advice”, and that you only want what’s best for me. But for the love of God, let me find my own way.

It’s been a bad month, but I think it’s only to prepare me for the rest of my life. God help me.

Sincerely,
NightWriter

Dear Father,

I thought I would share a strange dream I had with you. I’ve been having a lot of strange dreams lately, but this one… I think you should know about it. It wasn’t very long, but the message was clear. First there’s darkness, and all I can hear are children laughing and playing. And then I see myself, as a child, playing and running around at the park. Then a man’s voice calls my name. I turn around and run toward the voice. I stretch out my arms and the man picks me up and hugs me. he holds me in is arms for what could be eternity, as if he were afraid of losing me. He holds me tight and a feel warm and safe. I find happiness in this moment, and my small child arms hold tight to this man, as if I were afraid of losing him as well. And as we pull away from each other, I awake.

Sincerely,
NightWriter

Dear Steph,

The other night I had a dream that I died. I dreamed that my mom and I were driving somewhere, and there was an accident, and only I died. But it didn’t seem to bother anyone. Everyone just went on with their lives, as if nothing had happened. It was as if I never existed in the first place.  This dream led me to think, what kind of an impact am I making on other peoples lives? How does my life relate to others, is it significant? Does it make a difference if I’m here or not?

If I were to vanish off the face of the earth today, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? It’s funny how you think you know the answers to these questions, but when you stop and think about it… is what you think other people feel about you true? Do they really feel that way about you, or is it all just wishful thinking? We want to be missed, there fore we are?

Sincerely,
NightWriter

Dear Brother,

Today is your twenty-seventh birthday. Happy birthday! I wish I could give you your Happy Birthday Hug, but I don’t even now where you are right now. I hope where ever you are that you have a very special birthday, and know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. The last time I saw you, you said that you hadn’t smoked crack for a week. I deeply hope that was true, and that your recovery is swift and as painless as possible. I look forward to the day when we can celebrate your birthday together, as a family. But for now, I must be satisfied with this letter. There is still hope dear brother, never give up. You are loved by many, and we await your return.

Love,
Your Sister